The external disposition of thoughts, the outward cool at work, the
usual PJs, the stern assertive way of guiding the team or simply the
friendly chit-chat with old pals - all were status quo, as much as they
could be.
Last day at work before Surgery, at the women's day celebration I find my self pictured among the spirited and smart women of my team.
The team meetings, were as they used to be. Well ! The spirit was never damp. But was it all right ?
I think not - it was a crazy week, where almost every one I was interacting with knew that I am carrying cancerous cells in my neck, but they were also seeing the same, high energy me, unhindered by the dreaded tumors.
This collision of hot and cold, real and the act, created a collage of feelings in the head. Some in mine and I am sure some in others well wishers around me. I am going to document some of those feelings here, as much as I can ---
Humility - I was secretly boasting about not having to take a single sick leave in many years. Never a simple cough / cold, no down time, no viral infection. Nothing. Now, look at me. I am pre-taking sick leaves, all I ve accumulated to take care of my illness ???? I used to mockingly, yet sternly tell youngsters to be active, play some sports, stay fit !! Well, I used to do those .. did not I ? This humility brings in some of the fringe compassion that was missing other wise. Yeah - not all of them taking a sick leave, just want to get a free day from work. Some of them, may be really needing that rest day !!! Change of prospective.
Understanding - Women go through pain, as much if not more than the surgery being planned, for child birth, a very natural process and socially necessary in many cases too. Same cuts, wounds, IV Lines, discomfort, leave from work and much more additional responsibility at the end of it.
Fear - fear of losing the team, the charter, the career. The lil monster in the ear keeps telling me, the moment I am out for 6-8 weeks from action, other opportunistic people around will try to get what is built over years of time. It will break down to simple extended working community model ? Will the strongest engineering team disect in to few and get distributed ?
Fear of kids not doing well in the final exams because of the timing of the chaos. No real attention is being paid to the kids education for a few weeks now, and wont happen through the duration of hospitalization. They will be on their own.
Appreciation - A deep sense of that towards the people taken granted for all along. Wife, rest of the family. Close colleagues.
Hope - When it is all over, an optimal view of future, where a person is much more careful about his / her health. More watching what goes in to the system. More careful about the healthy balance of food, exercise and stress level.
Desires - All form of material desires take a complete back seat. I am thinking, why the heck I was booking the second house any way ? Is there even a need ? Desires are more basic now. More time to kids. More time to health. More time to build stronger character in self and others around me.
Short term plan - I have plans to write 3 poems, pending for a while in some corner of my head as pure floating thoughts. Read a few books. And yes.. watch TV, something I absolutely detest !
Many more such thoughts and feelings. Most of them, optimistic in nature. Very few depressing ones, more of floating types.
Working till the Friday before the Monday surgery was a boon. Being among the familiar has helped me conserve the positive energy that I am sure I would need on the cutting board !!
Last day at work before Surgery, at the women's day celebration I find my self pictured among the spirited and smart women of my team.
The team meetings, were as they used to be. Well ! The spirit was never damp. But was it all right ?
I think not - it was a crazy week, where almost every one I was interacting with knew that I am carrying cancerous cells in my neck, but they were also seeing the same, high energy me, unhindered by the dreaded tumors.
This collision of hot and cold, real and the act, created a collage of feelings in the head. Some in mine and I am sure some in others well wishers around me. I am going to document some of those feelings here, as much as I can ---
Humility - I was secretly boasting about not having to take a single sick leave in many years. Never a simple cough / cold, no down time, no viral infection. Nothing. Now, look at me. I am pre-taking sick leaves, all I ve accumulated to take care of my illness ???? I used to mockingly, yet sternly tell youngsters to be active, play some sports, stay fit !! Well, I used to do those .. did not I ? This humility brings in some of the fringe compassion that was missing other wise. Yeah - not all of them taking a sick leave, just want to get a free day from work. Some of them, may be really needing that rest day !!! Change of prospective.
Understanding - Women go through pain, as much if not more than the surgery being planned, for child birth, a very natural process and socially necessary in many cases too. Same cuts, wounds, IV Lines, discomfort, leave from work and much more additional responsibility at the end of it.
Fear - fear of losing the team, the charter, the career. The lil monster in the ear keeps telling me, the moment I am out for 6-8 weeks from action, other opportunistic people around will try to get what is built over years of time. It will break down to simple extended working community model ? Will the strongest engineering team disect in to few and get distributed ?
Fear of kids not doing well in the final exams because of the timing of the chaos. No real attention is being paid to the kids education for a few weeks now, and wont happen through the duration of hospitalization. They will be on their own.
Appreciation - A deep sense of that towards the people taken granted for all along. Wife, rest of the family. Close colleagues.
Hope - When it is all over, an optimal view of future, where a person is much more careful about his / her health. More watching what goes in to the system. More careful about the healthy balance of food, exercise and stress level.
Desires - All form of material desires take a complete back seat. I am thinking, why the heck I was booking the second house any way ? Is there even a need ? Desires are more basic now. More time to kids. More time to health. More time to build stronger character in self and others around me.
Short term plan - I have plans to write 3 poems, pending for a while in some corner of my head as pure floating thoughts. Read a few books. And yes.. watch TV, something I absolutely detest !
Many more such thoughts and feelings. Most of them, optimistic in nature. Very few depressing ones, more of floating types.
Working till the Friday before the Monday surgery was a boon. Being among the familiar has helped me conserve the positive energy that I am sure I would need on the cutting board !!
No comments:
Post a Comment